Yumi

 

What made this thing to happen was because of everyone involved in spirituality that said that "You can not change who you are inside" and as I saw my self at that period I saw my self as a monster and the outcome from my mothers death, so I refused to just let that sink in and said "of course I can, there must be a way". Which made me turn into psychology, hypnosis and manipulation techniques along with my "break up" with my sister who at that time always were thinking "before" me. I started this negative cycle because I was young and thought that her way of being sister, was the right way, so I listened so clearly that I always tried to keep up with whatever she thougth was right. But when I got this wake up-call I drasticially ended that bond we had and started to feel in my own way and thinking with my own brain, and it was terrible. Firstly I didn't even know how to start thinking on my own again because I got it right away from her that being whoever I was, was simply the work of the devil (at least these words did most damage to my selfdefinition). So had to start somewhere.

 

I knew that looking up to someone was really important to me and I thought thats what I needed to demolish, and yes I mean demolish. So I begun this journey to stop beliving in anything or anyone and did practice to think on my own. What i did not know in that beginning was that this would destroy a lot of opurtunities for me in my growth as I surely torn my self apart. But I was sure that I did the right thing. Stopped reading news or listening to mainstream music, slowely but surely didn't believe in anything of any work in history or other acomplishments from things I heard or read. I thought that I felt great and that I was on the right way while evetually slowely breaking my own self and personality into tiny pieces and tried to manipulate my own way of thinking, I mean that way of thinking in ones head that is like the hardest part to change, because it's practically impossible. But I refused to give up to stay still being content with my being as a part of a big failure, from my tragic childhood. I kept going even if it did hurt me and my friend along the way, not to mention, my at that time boyfriend who had his own demons to fight through.

 

I didn't really understand that I started to get stuck in some kind of depressed state and being underweight and draw my self into situations and people that did not serve me as I turned into a cold and a needy person (always too cold). One day I woke up and didn't look forward to anything but still had my needs, a bit complicated to explain, more than things that were important to my friends. But in my state, I was ready to give in for almost everything because I had just destroyed my sence of self worth, so I truly belived that I didn't need to be taken seriously or have a worth at all almost.. but I was lucky to feel that deep withinn this was wrong, and I tried to work my self back. Withinn me there was a young woman in grave neeed for food and love and warmth, but it was imensely hard to achieve when I started buildning on this new picture of my self, my new "better" self.

The time went on as I tried to make everything on my own because somehow I felt that that's what I need to and not everything was all glamour and such (so I spent much time deep inside my head, too much time perhaps) and I became more and more confused about my self and what I needed or wanted in life, in reality. Soon afterwards everyone around me started to build their own foundation of life, when I just sat there trying to figure out what kind of foundation of my two versions of my self was the right foundation to build onto. Knowing that it would take too long to chose the wrong one to then take then right one, I simply took my time trying to make this important decision. But If I only knew it earlier that this is how it was to how long it would take for me to come to that insight when I finally would find my self once again

A very hurtful talk with my boyfriend where he told me that he had a dream where I died in front of him because of my deficit of nutrition in both body and soul, and he said that it felt so real that he started to get really worried. And slowely but surely after that, I started to realize what I have done to him, my friends and my self this whole time. And I didn't even see this on my own. I got worried of my self as well, and I felt that i need to locate where this pain lies and try to destroy it.

 

Slowly remembered everything about what I kind of manipulated my self to do, to be of worth, which only lead me to a worse state than I was in the beginning. And how stupid it was of me to even stop trying to be my self. For the sake of my own fears in perception. Then I started to build my self up once and for all, and this time I took my time, which started last year. And Since then I have only moved forward. But oh my how much I now realize what I have done and made everyone worry about me all the time. I scares me how normal I thougth it was back then. 

 

Still not proud of what I did, I hope you don't hate me because of this information (I've always feared that), but if there's enyone out there trying to hide who they are deep inside or simply hate themselves for simply being, I'm here to listen to you and to share my advice.