Yumi

When i'm out and about meeting new people and also when seeing my therapist they all give the same reaktion when I tell them why I have such a hard time knowing what i want, "just wow, you are amazing!" Many times, they tell me this and that I am one of very few on this planet.

 

This is intresting though, because I don't see it as they do. I see this as a huge problem. 

 

 

 

 

The reality is that I like many things, a lot. Many different things with no particular red thread between thme, I'm purely intreseted in so many things that it's hard to just say one and then just move on. But it's not so simple as just liking a lot of things, it's more about my desire to understand different perspectives and personalities and also I seem to gained an ability to understand peoples darkest sides with intentions to understand lovingly from my point of view. I personally believe that everyone have beautiful sides and I choose to believe in those sides, even if they are all scary and destructive, I still see further than that, wwhich also many times lead me into further understanding but also being met with a huge responsibility with this way at seeing things because many don't believe that a person s liek this whitout wanting to use those sides against them, so often I somehow is given that part, the suspected one who is going too far perhaps.

 

 

This is actually puzzling me nowdays, because I have met so many people wanting so many materialistic things, and I was asked recently about if I ever wanted to be rich or a celebrity, and when I said yes because I have they asked me why. When i think about it, I just wanted money so that I could give it away to those closest to me so that they would be happy and get things so they would feel better. Only to help them live a better life... That's all. I wanted nothing beyond that, not even when I was a small child. I've never been that intrested in material things. I mean of course I did buy a lot of things in my younger days, but that's pure curiosity, "whats's this?, what is it made of? can I mix this with that? how far can I go with this? What's so special about this?" and so on.. To both understand my self as well as others, like i'm actually sent from outer space to investigate earth, because everything about this life as always been about doing some kind of reasearch, haha!

 

It might sound naive and all too bubbly but this is what I felt. But during those times where I spent most, everyone took me for being someone who want to use others and is jealous and egoistical and childish. It hurt me really bad, so bad that I stopped being my self out of fear to being judged by others so freely, and especially because I noticed that many times they this wasn't for me, this was more like they trying to let out what they carrie inside their hearts. And for some reason, I am the one recieving those sides. especially when I tell people that they CAN do what the really want to do.

 

This is the tricky part though, I care so much about others that I need to think about my self first. So firstly in order for me to be of great help I need to have a clear mind and pure heart at that moment shortly put, so in order to get there i have to take my time until I feel ready to be of help, and I need to be wellrested and have a positive mindset, and the egoistical part about this as what I've heard many times is that to get that midset I need to let it have it's time, It's not pure to force oneself into anything, because this might lead to radiate pain while being there my loved ones for example, because my mission as a helpler is to help, not shine with my qualities and not to put even more pain onto those loved ones, so I have to be mindful and open to recieve whatever they might go through. And onto this I have to think about my own wellbeig too, because no matter how much I wish to be as strong as needed to help anyone, I'm still a human and I have too have heart that can be really hurt, I'm not a guiding stone with no feelings if I put it that way.

 

 

So it's funny that my desires does not contain more than having a commited relationships and fulfilling friendships where I have enough of the materials to live a content life.