Yumi

 

 

 

 

Because when she died I was given the information that she was sick, which also helped to create this wall. Sickness and failures have been following me ever since. After that I've lost so many things, and I think that those failures wouldn't hurt me as bad as they did if I never got this "programmed" into my heart. I learned with time to accept that loosing was just part of my life.

So I allowed them to come. Loosing friends and the ability to feel safe, because I thought it would make me stronger because as I saw it, it was a part of me, so I had to see it as a strenght.

But then, I messed up more and more oppourtunities to create a good and stable life for my self.

 

In school, all I did was trying to keep up, but everything and everyone was too fast for me to keep up with, so I was unable to get good grades, which for some reason felt natural. I tried my best to keep up anyways, but then my grandmother died, which was a huge hit for me, because she always made me feel more safe but when she was gone, and once again I could not do anything about it, so I decided to be happy about it anyway even though I cried deep inside for the loss.

 

 

 

 

Soo keeping the things I loved became a huge project as I felt responsible to make something that i could keep. Always struggling with doing the things I loved most, which was building stable relationships and doing music and dancing. But whatever I did I falied hard, just like every time it felt just like when I lost my mom and grandmother. It hit me hard, I know they died for other reasons, but as I saw it, they died on me. Over and over again. I even saw my creative and artistic skills and loser skills, because I didn't chose them, but they were an easy way to do at least something when everything else failed.

 

Over the years better things came into my life, real friends, a place to feel safe, the love of my life, better equipments for my music making, but this was alien to me, it's like I always knew these things would be taken away from me, because that's how things were supposed to be. I'm one of those people who could take a loss better than enyone else so I felt important to take that role in this life, because I thought that some people are lucky, while some just aren't, so I fed my self with the illusions that this is what I'm here for.. and must be happy about it.

 

But today, I'm not happy at all. In fact, I'm rightly uncomfortably sad and I've been dealing with this an entire year, weekly spending time crying about all oppourtunities to live a happy life that's ever been given to me, that I never took. And I know now, that I've been constantly been given those, but every time they where there, I got afraid turned them down and lost my chances once more. And felt more safe not doing anything at all instead of going in new directions. But I don't want to feel safe when losing something, I want instead to feel empowered to find something new instead and turn this illuson around so that when I feel safe, is when things are going well and I don't have to work hard as fuck to keep them.

 

And I'm sick of crying.